*Originally posted on LiveJournal on 5/31/09*
Warsaw is a huge town of about 1500 people, and yes I did get lost in it. I got to the cemetery thinking that if I just walked around and looked, I would be able to find his site without much trouble because it was a small town and all. Well I was wrong. This cemetery was fraking huge! It has some graves from the 1800s, and all the others we scattered everywhere.
After some confusion and cussing to myself thinking that I should just give up, I decided to make a small prayer to Wepwawet to help open the way to my finding this site. The good furry guy obliged. A keeper was mowing the lawn in a corner and came up to me and asked me if he could help me find someone. SO I told him the name and he knew right where it was at. Dua Wepwawet!
His stone was a big black shiny one. It had his picture on the front, and on the back was a poem. When I saw his face on that stone, it finally really hit me about how real this was. It was no longer rumor, or even names and dates. It was true, he was gone. Then I let my emotions from the whole situation flow. Stuff that was bottled up for 6 years finally came out. I sat on the ground in front of stone, and just talked with him. I told him I forgave him for all those hurtful things that were said and done, and prayed that he would accept my apology.
You see, Dale was my first real boyfriend. I came out late in my life. After years of self hate and churches telling me that I can fix my sexuality, I finally followed my heart and stopped listening to hate. I met Dale soon after this. I was crazy about him when we first met. He knew just the right words to say to me, and his touch made my whole body shiver. I am not going into why we broke up, but he decided he wanted to see someone else. After a few months of that he started to get sick from hepatitis. I found visit him every so often and make sure he was taking his shots and medicine. He then decided that he made a horrible mistake and we should get back together. Well I was dating Mike at the time, and enjoyed telling him to buzz off about that. Then I stopped visiting.
I saw him a little over two years ago at the local GLBT bar, and we talked. He seemed to be doing well and we both were quite civil. That is the last time I saw him alive.
I bought a pack of cigarettes for him and opened them up and laid them on his stone. It was extremely windy out and I had a hell of a time lighting one. Once lit, I laid it on his stone and offered them to him. Even with the wind blowing, the cigarette did not do out, until it got to the butt. Dale must have really enjoyed that.
Dale helped me to be proud to be who I am. Whether my behaviors were masculine or effeminate, it did not matter. I have to be true to myself. He was my first introduction to gay culture, and that has changed my life. By loving him, I was able to love myself more completely. Thank you Dale. May you be filled with happiness in the Duat, and welcome me to the Field of Reeds when it is my turn.
Song to Wesir
He will come in the silence.
He will come in the night.
He will come to us all,
and will make everything right.
O Great Wesir,
let me lay my head
against your shoulder
and rest (or alternatively “on your chest“)
Well, not Mozart or Elton John…
I am writing this letter to discuss the impact that Kemetic Orthodoxy has had on my life and what the presence of Tawy House, my temple, means to me. My faith is the cornerstone of my life.
Before I met the Kemetic Orthodox faith, I was alone in many of my beliefs. I did not have any community and had no direction. With my faith I have grown as an individual. I am no longer as selfish, hateful, or close-minded. With my faith I have opened my experience and discovered the type of person I can become and desire to be. When I became a member of the temple I was introduced to many others who shared my beliefs. I found a community that I love and am there for when needed.
Without my faith, I would not be here today. My faith has kept me from making destructive decisions that can lead to self-destructive behaviors and negatively impact my life. My faith has helped me in my lowest times, and has been a beacon of light for me. My community has been there as well, if I need a hug, or if I just need positive encouragement. Without my family, I would cringe at what life would be like. It would seem so empty.
Tawy House is the temple of my faith. It is here that I have celebrated our festivals and underwent passages into the faith. It is here that I celebrate my gods and learn what being kemetic means. Tawy House is the place that I meet my brothers and sisters, and share in their fellowship and spirit. It gives me great comfort to go to Tawy House. I feel the peace in me settling when I just drive up the road to it. Having a physical temple where my gods reside gives hope to the entire world. It shows that god does love us immensely, and is always present. For me, it is a place of peace, love, and hope.
My spiritual teacher, Rev. Tamara Siuda, resides at Tawy House and maintains our temple. She performs religious acts for the gods on my behalf and those of my brothers and sisters in the faith. Out of this necessity she must reside on the temple grounds.
I hope this letter helps to explain that Kemetic Orthodox faith is my faith, and that I hold as these beliefs in my heart. I know I am not a member of a mainstream religion, and that some may frown on my personal beliefs; but that is of no consequence to me. What matters to me are my gods, my community, and my temple.
May god bless you,
*Originally posted on LiveJournal on 4/18/08*
In Senut tonight, Father reminded me of an important teaching. Life is not meant as some journey through unhappiness until we die. If we continually look to death as being liberation and a finding of true happiness, we will miss something. Happiness can be found in the now. It can be found in each and every moment of the day. I don’t have to wait for happiness to happen; it is already with me. I just need to learn to recognize it.
*Originally posted to LiveJournal on 2/27/08*
1) “Sometimes it just takes a fairy.” To Wong For Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar
3) “I shall have to insist that you mind what you say. I AM Isis. I am worshipped by millions who believe it. You are not to confuse what I am with the so-called divine origin which every Roman general seems to acquire together with his shield. It was, uh, Venus you chose to be descended from, wasn’t it?” Cleopatra
7) “A desert holiday, let’s pack the drag away. You take the lunch and tea, I’ll take the ecstasy. Fuck off you silly queer, I’m getting out of here. A desert holiday, hip hip hip hip hooray!” Priscilla: Queen of the Desert
9) “Klytus, I’m bored. What play thing can you offer me today?” Flash Gordon
10) “Bitch, you can stop right there. Just because I have no wish to murder you before the eyes of your daughter, does not mean parading her around in front of me is going to inspire sympathy. You and I have unfinished business. And not a goddamn fuckin’ thing you’ve done in the subsequent four years, including getting knocked up, is going to change that.” Kill Bill 1
I wanted to share with you a passage in a book I am reading. It is called Religion in Ancient Egypt: Gods, Myths, & Personal Practice, edited by Byron E. Shafer. In this introduction Shafer discusses some belief in Ancient Kemet (Egypt).
“As ancient Egyptian artistry is immediately satisfying to modern Western observers, so ancient Egyptian religion is immediately puzzling. Many people today, though undoubtedly concerned with the problem of life’s meaning, are agnostics or atheists; very few such people could be found among the ancient Egyptians. Many people today find life’s meaning outside of religion and view religion as incidental or tangential to life; very few ancient Egyptians saw it this way. Of today’s devout, all but a few are monotheists; of ancient Egypt’s. All but a very few were [monotheists]. We read theology and value abstraction; they recited myths and preferred concreteness. We demand consistency in religious thought; they did not. We hold omnipotence and omniscience to be necessary attributes of divinity; they did not. We have a canon of scripture; they did not. We reject magic, they did not. We view government as secular and rulers as all too human; they saw government as sacred and kings as somehow divine. We believe that the world needs to be improved, and therefore (if we are religious) to be transformed by communal obedience to God’s revealed will; they believed that the world needs to be maintained, and therefore to be stabilized by governmental imposition of order from above” (also called Ma’at).
This article expressed very much what I believe. The beauty of Kemetic religion is that A can be B, all at the same time it is C; but that doesn’t take away from A. I love polyvalent logic. Being Kemetic isn’t about pretend, or playing ancient civilization dress-up, or wishing I was a farmer with a god-king. There is more to it than appreciation or knowing about the culture of Ancient Egypt. It is setting myself to the Kemetic mindset. I embrace it; become part of it; so I am adopted to it. To do this I must be in a Kemetic mindset all day long; everyday, week, and year. This is what is meant by being Kemetic and living in Ma’at. After contemplation I think my faith and belief system has more morals than most Christians.
Wen Ma’at hen’a-ten ra-neb!
As many of my friends know, I believe that the Quincy Public Library has a laxative effect. It may sound crazy but it is true. Every time I go there I have to use the restroom (and I’m talking number 2’s here). This phenomenon has been repeated for others as well. I have talked with many people and they agree with me.
I first experienced this effect as a child. My mom and I would go to Aldi’s to grocery shop. While she was in there I trekked across the street to the library. As I walked through the stacks searching for great adventures of the imagination, I instead would find great adventure happening in my bowel. The cramps would come, along with the gas. Then I would have to head to the bathroom to help evacuate this problem. Time and time again, week after week, it would always begin and end the same. Such agonizing defeat against the great laxative effects of the Quincy Library has detrimentally effected my mental health to this day.
I am not a quitter. I have tried to overcome these supernatural laxative effects. One time as a young man I was there looking through the stacks. Suddenly I felt the urge hit me again. I was not going to be conquered again. I was going to tough this one out. I did not really have to go and defecate, it was all in my imagination. So I finished looking around, all the time holding back the natural forces of my own body. The cramping, the gas, I knew it was all an illusion. After I checked the items out I wanted, I turned to the staircase to leave (parking at the library is under the building). As I trotted down the stairs, I felt something wet and mushy roll down my leg. Before I knew it, the was a small milkdud-sized ball of feces bouncing down the stairs. It rolled all the way down and stopped dead right in front of a gentleman talking on the payphone. I was mortified. I ran down the stairs and went straight into the bathroom, bypassing the poopball and relieving myself before any of his friends cared to join him.
I don’t know if the library has supernatural powers. I don’t know if the staff is ventilating aerosol laxatives in the air. What I do know is that something wicked is happening at the Quincy Public Library. Be forewarned.
I have decided that I want to be a TV talk show host. Not just for the fame, glamour, and money, but I want to provide a service to our community that is lacking. My show would be called “The Practical Pagan” hosted by Matt Walker. I can just see it now. I would have special segments on how to make Bridet crosses, corn-dollies, and maypoles. Then of course we would have safety tips for the conscious minded pagan. Things such as being skyclad and cancer awareness, avoiding burns when jumping through bonfires, and recycling tips would all be covered. It would be an awesome program.
I would also have a Dr Phil-like segment. Of course my segment would be entitled “Nurse Matt.” In it I would tell people how much their lives suck, that I have all the answers to their problems, and tell them to purchase my latest book for $21.95 for said answers.
Of course I would have guests as well. I would invite fabulous pagans across the world for lively discussions while we bake crescent cakes for Esbat. I would invite Janet Farrar, Laurie Cabot (the drag queen of Wicca), Christopher Penczak (he’s hot), and someone like Silver Ravenwolf (so I can tell her what an idiot she is).
For my musical guest I would have stars from Broadway productions like Wicked, Rent, Momma Mia, and Phantom of the Opera. This show will be so fabulous. Also there would be a spin off series like the Apprentice. It will be like reality television no one has ever seen. It will be called “Nursing School.” It will document a group of student nurses going through the rigors of nursing school. They will send someone home every week and the drama will be intense as women share some of the most intimate moments together (such as projectile feces from a rectal tube insertion) and the bitterness between instructor and student. Because I know there is no drama like nursing school drama.
So if anyone out there in Yahoo world knows any TV producers send them my way. I mean if fucking Tony Danza can get a talk show then why the hell can’t I?
Life would be Fabulous if it was a Musical!
*Originally posted on LiveJournal on 10/5/07*
I have this theory (well not so much a theory as a hypothesis) that life would be much better for all people if it was more similar to a musical. What can a musical provide our lives? Imagine in your daily life you will have songs, music, choreography, routines, and repeating themes. We would be able to settle our differences in duet. We would be able to poetically proclaim the love we feel for another. We would also look fabulous all the time with wonderful lighting and hair/makeup people.
To test this hypothesis, let’s take for example Jesus of Nazareth. In the world we live in now, his last few days is proclaimed dramatically in The Passion produced by Mel Gibson. It is set in realistic terms (and I mean historical setting and horror of the event). In my musical reality it would be more like Jesus Christ Superstar. Think about it…sequins, songs, repeating themes, orchestral accompaniment. Which one would you rather be more a part of? I know I wouldn’t mind singing songs from the musical vs. hymns in church.
In our history books about the Vietnam War, in discussions of the Ho Chi Mien Trail, we could discuss how the soldiers danced and sang “Follow the Ho Chi Mien Trail” to the tune of “Follow the Yellow Brick Road”
Imagine, there would be a spiritual symphony playing music at the drop of a hat. We would always know the words and have fabulous vocalization. When we die it would be dramatic with Bach-like organ music, and there would be mourners like in Evita.
I know I would always be happy to break out in tune, with chorus accompaniment by my friends. Although this hypothesis may just be a fantasy, I believe it would create a happiness that only musicals can bring. There would never be unhappy endings, there will always be a feeling of wellbeing at the end, and we would have spent that life of ours being as fabulous as possible. Now if I could only get my friends to learn the “Cellblock Tango”….